Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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