Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just pee around me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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