u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
