and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
