the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
