I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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