One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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