he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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