I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
