his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
