i was born a porn star she said
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
