how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
