Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
