how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
