What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
