What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
