1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
