I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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