I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
