I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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