piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
