The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
