I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
