Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
