A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
