Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
