Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
