Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
