just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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