im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
