Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
