I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
