My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
