mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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