So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
