shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
