foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm passing your future prison.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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