The police scanner is talking about you again....
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
