the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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