I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
