dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
