he shaved USA in his pubs
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
