I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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