You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
