Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
