I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
