Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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