Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
