I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
