New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
