just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
