Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
