and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
