God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
