i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
