I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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