He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
