We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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