i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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