Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
