Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
